Lake to Late ana…….

When master gets a craving for steak there is nothing that can reel him back from satisfying his oh so primal urge for that perfect cut of meat seared to perfection on an open primeval fire. This is no tranquil and stress-free undertaking. Not by any stretch of the imagination! No modest and unassuming piece of beef from the oh so scanty meager, peasant class, meat section of the stereotypically generic grocery store will do! No No No! Master laughs at the mere notion of shopping at a Ralphs or Vons! Ha! Ha I say!  He has come to cautiously and judiciously have faith in the high volume of “USDA PRIME” cuts of Beef sold at Costco. Unusual! Yes I agree! But tasting is believing! The difference in quality from the hum drum slab of meat from the local grocery store to the selection at Costco is not insignificant! It is paramount! Perhaps not worth 3 times the cost per lb for the average pallet, however, for those taste buds that do understand, it is pure food heaven. It is akin to spiritual enlightenment or maintaining a state of grace.

 So off we go! Costco Tally-Hoooooo. Have you ever been to Costco on a weekend?  If you have, I feel your pain. If not, I will try to explain. It takes a certain type of person to be able to look fear straight in the eyes and laugh!!! Ha Ha Ha Ha…. Lamented Master! No one could get in the way of his steak! Normally on a weekend, it takes about an hour just to find a parking space. It’s a mad house in the parking lot!  You need to have professional driving skills; I mean Grand Prix kind not just regular I passed the DMV test so now I can drive skills. Reaction times must be swift, sense of danger on high alert, eyes wide open for that oh so prime parcel of parking space. Master put the AMG in manual mode, his fingers gently caressing the paddle shifters on the steering wheel. The suspension was put into track mode and he lowered the car to its lowest setting in eager anticipation of what he might have to endure!  It seemed like half the valley was shopping at that Costco on Saturday! Was it Black Friday already? Were they giving away free gas? I can’t comprehend why so many people were there on that day. I scarcely overheard Master exhale an evil snicker and grimaced as we entered the parking lot. He was ready…. Right away people were honking at one another, uncaringly waiting in the middle of the lane in the hopes that a parking spot might miraculously appear. Some cars simply gunned it and raced through the gauntlet of cars only to be thwarted by another car that had sped even faster and drifted into the empty parking spot with such precision and exactitude that they would have even impressed The Stig. “Some say he is illegal in 17 US states, and he blinks horizontally…” But I Digress! There were little eighty year old ladies from Pasadena, who only drive their cars to go to church, giving each other the bird. But that’s not what this post is about. Nope! Needless to say, Master was able to find that perfect parking spot. Let’s just say that the years of going to Costco have trained him well, Nürburgring! Ha! Childs play! He is well overqualified for any common race track!

 Once safely parked and inside the store we quickly passed the rows and rows of unimportant items. 75 roll packs of toilet paper on the left, 100lb buckets of cat litter on the right, 200lb bags of dog food on the racks! No! All unimportant at this point! The only thing that mattered to Master was getting way in the back of the store to the food section.  Well, he calls it the food section; to me it is better known as the sampling department. As Master persuasively yet ever so gracefully sauntered to his beloved meat section, I, like a scout, began to observe, ever so unassumingly, at all the potential free sample stands. From the left corner of my peripheral view I noticed Master had arrived at the Rib-Eye section. His forcefully stance was elegant yet unmistakably prominent. His legs spread ever so slightly, his knees marginally stooped in anticipation of a potential “Fight or Flight” response. His arms somewhat pronounced and bowed, as if to keep predators away from his primordial hunt for that unadulterated unqualified masterfully cut piece of Beef.  He’s focused! Determined! Absorbed in his Quest! Maybe I can sneak away and stand in line for samples. Cheese and cracker! Tapenades! Sausages! More Cheese! What’s next? What’s next? As my hands are full of free samples I hear a strange grunt from afar… There it is again! Grunt Grunt Grunt Grunt! It’s getting louder and louder, a bit distinctive even! What could it be? A kid playing with a toy wolf three aisles to the left?  A German Shepard seeing eye dog a few aisles to the right? What could it be?  I scan the horizon of the store to discover the source of the commotion. Ha! I laugh! The grunts are coming from Master! He found the perfect steaks! It’s hilarious! All that was missing was a big fire in front of a cave and a loin cloth made of animal skin. Grunt Grunt Grunt! Emmmmmm! Grunt Grunt Grunt! As my laughter subsided, I faintly heard someone within a big crowd of people say “Lake to late ana punkin pie” Hmmm I must see what this is! What could possibly be causing a crowd of people to surround this sample table? I get closer and closer and notice that the poor sample lady is about to lose a limb merely attempting to put out her samples. People are snatching up the goods faster than she can set them down. She finally had to call for back up to help maintain order and contain the mob of freeloaders lingering in anticipation of the free goods she is soon to dispense.  Using all my secret ninja moves, and the years of Costco battlefield experience, I was able to get close enough to get a sample! Ok Ok Ok maybe I got two. Don’t Judge! I was still unable to comprehend how “Lake to late ana punkin pie” was in reference to Pumpkin Pie! I, very graciously and respectfully, asked if I may have my pieces of pie without the whipped cream. Never be rude to people that handle your food! She immediately and forcibly countered with a solid “NO!!” Do I look too thin I wondered? Was this older foreign lady telling me that I need more meat on my bones? I was about to point out that Master had just picked out Fred Flintstone sized steaks for dinner and that I was not squeamish about the calories, when I realized that the sample she was offering was not for the pumpkin pie! She was promoting the Whipped Cream! Hence the “Lake to late ana pumkin pie” which translates to Land-O-Lakes Whipped Cream with a Pumpkin Pie!

Laugh if you will! We obviously did not go to Costco to purchase whipped cream. However, the older lady blaring with a heavy foreign accent “Lake to late ana punkin pie” stuck in my mind the rest of time there. I was so amused that I was walking through the aisles laughingly reciting “Lake to late ana punkin pie”.  We didn’t end up buying a pumpkin pie, nevertheless I was able to convince Master to buy the oversized 3-Pack of Land-O-Lake whipped cream! He still queries as to how am I to use so much whipped cream! Silly Silly Master! As if there is a good reason not to use whipped cream! Whipped cream on waffles, Whipped cream on toast, Whipped cream on ice cream, Whipped cream on cereal, heck! Whipped cream on hot dogs even! All I know is that I truly enjoy my “Lake to late ana ********” fill in the blank. I sniker like a school girl every time I use the whipped cream as I reminisce how, sometimes, you are able to buy happiness! Happiness, this particular time, just happened to be a giant 3-pack of “Lake to late”

Tiki Tiki is VIP

Tiki Tiki seems to have his good days and his not so great days .  There are days when he wakes up and he looks like a frat boy just getting home from an all nighter, stumbling across the floor to get to his favorite bed in the kitchen and spending all day sleeping  just waking up to get a drink of water and some food.  Mind you he doesn’t seem to be in any pain what so ever.  Just very tired or hung over.  My theory is this Master is secretly having him sneak out at night and using him as his wing man.  It makes perfect sense what better wingman then Tiki Tiki? Who, male or female, would be able to resist the powers of Tiki Tiki?  Tiki tiki’s powers, of course, are used to get into places without a reservation; there isn’t a red velvet rope that can hold him back. He is always on the list. Together, Master and Tiki Tiki, are dining and wine’ing at the best restaurants in town till the wee hours of the night.

Yes it all makes perfect sense now. This is what is going on that’s why some days he seems so tired. I’ll have to set down a couple of rules with Master

1. Don’t keep him out to late.
2. Only 2 times per week
3.  Bring back a doggy bag.

 

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That’s Amore!

  

In the mood for Pizza? Ask Master to make you one,

A while back Master made pizzas to share with clients. However, most didn’t believe that the pizza’s had been hand made from scratch at the office! So, as proof, we made this little slide show for them.

P.S. Hope you enjoyed it, now taking orders

Mad Scientist At Work

Master has decided to turn everyone in the office into his personal guinea pigs.  Amongst all the other titles he holds: Gigolo, lady killer, God’s gift to women, Daper Don, south of the border he is known as Suavesito, El Don Juan and Papi Chulo; but experimental chef is the one he enjoys using the most.

 And like every great mad scientist throughout history, he too has his secrete lab hidden in the back of the office. It is a fully equipped commercial kitchen that would put most restaurants to shame.  It has practically every piece of heavy duty equipment a trained chef would require, not to mention all the cool tools needed to experiment with the unorthodox science master calls his interpretation of gastronomy!  The office is by no means a restaurant; although we are fully equipped to act like one if needed.  Imagine more a museum of eclectic and unique items in corky yet amazingly classical setting.  As most things in the office are over the top, so is the super kitchen Master calls his lair. We take food very seriously here! Very Seriously! People have been fired for bringing McDonalds to the office! Dominos drivers are afraid to make deliveries on this block!

Master at work, me in the back dancing.

This Saturday Master decided to work on his BBQ technique and purchased half a side of pig to play with. 

I’m not sure what exactly goes on in his lab. All I know is that he started around 1:00 and spent hours mixing spices and herbs. He made dozens of rubs and a myriad of marinades. Sometimes the true mad scientist in him would emerge and he would push the envelope and mix volatile spices together just to see what would happen. Needless to say, the building had to be evacuated more than just once! Thank goodness for that industrial ventilation system in the hood! After hours of work preparing the meat with injections, rubs, and marinades, the ribs were slow smoked for hours and hours. We finally Ate at 8:30! 7 hours of work for super ribs! Can you imagine! Caramelized smoky crust, so succulent that the juices would freely run down the side of your mouth, so tender the luscious meat simply falls of the bone! You don’t even need any teeth!

If being experimented on is going to be like this; this little guinea pig does not want to be freed from the lab. Oink Oink Baby!

My iPhone 4 Affair Part II

I really want to try out the Facetime feature! Have you heard the newest trend? Adult entertainment companies want to utilize the facetime feature to expand the old “900 sex chat” to the newest of technology! Bravo I say iPorn! How imaginative is that! Never the less, to try facetime, both you and your friend have to be on Wi-Fi and have an iPhone 4.  Aside from Master, none of my friends have an iPhone4, so I haven’t had the opportunity to try FaceTime out.

I don’t know if it’s just me or did I get a bad phone?  Apart from the death grip problem, that has been the talk of the apple town, on several occasions, I have dialed a number but nothing has happened.  It just doesn’t want me to speak to whomever I’m trying to call I guess!  I have also noticed that the screen blacks out on times, completely randomly, without any rhyme or reason.  I’ll press on the top button a couple of times, shake it vigorously (because shaking things fix’s everything), there’s just nothing on the screen display! Until, yet again without any rhyme or reason, the screen inexplicably reappears and starts working gain.  The scariest “fail” moment was the weekend my phone’s display showed me a “Temperature Warning”!! WTF! My phone wasn’t even being used; it wasn’t even warm to the touch! I couldn’t do anything! I couldn’t restart it; I couldn’t turn it off, nothing! After several attempts to remove the warning, I gave up and handed the phone to the ohhh so able hands of Master. He gently caressed the phone, as if he was reuniting with an old lover, then out of nowhere! Bam! He pushed her into submission and did a hard reset! Take that! Once it restarted the warning sign was gone.

I still need to order my free bumper, learn how to upgrade the software and figure out if to jailbreak or not?  I’d ask Master but as he has mentioned to me before “that’s not my area of expertise“(wink wink.).  So if anyone out there has any suggestions or tips please let me know, I would appreciate any information.

EVIL KITTY STRIKES BACK

EPISODE V
OFFICE WARS II
 THE EVIL CAT STRIKES BACK

That opening crawl says it all! The EVIL OFFICE CAT Darth Kitty has struck again! In his continued obsession to annoy every living organism in the office, Darth Kitty has reached a new pinnacle in his unrelenting aggravation of the office personnel.  It all began very innocently, much like young Anakin Skywalker before he turned to the dark side, with irritating , all be it customary, cat issues.  
CAT HAIR all over the place! And I mean ALL OVER THE FREAKING PLACE! It just won’t stop! Cat hair on the counters, Cat hair on the computers, Cat hair on monitors, Cat hair on shelves, Cat hair on couches, Cat hair on books, Cat hair on the fridge, Cat hair IN THE FRIDGE (haven’t figured how that has happened yet), Cat hair in the Sink, Cat hair on the toilet, Cat hair on the stairs, Cat hair floating in the air! I bet you if I open a brand new, just bought from the store, bag of chips…. You guessed it! Somehow, someway, there will be cat hair in the unopened bag of Chips! I’m not sure if I am describing the cat hair situation thoroughly enough! Be as it may, there is Freaking Cat Hair EVERYWHERE!! Cough, Cough… You guessed it! More cat hair!
So one can say, “well that’s just one of the drawbacks of owning a cat”, and I would usually agree! This isn’t exactly my first rodeo! This sassy lady has been around the block a few times! Heck! MORE than a few times! I have owned my share of cats! Border lining the neighborhood Cat-lady even.  But never, and I truly mean NEVER, have I ever had to put up with this non-relenting, immeasurable, inexhaustible, boundless, endlessly vast quantities of Cat Hair!
Ok, ok… I’m an animal lover and can put up with the hair. Cause he’s such a cool office cat… Right?  Great Personality? Great Companion? Nooooope! He is the most annoying cat you can imagine! He has a very demanding personality; he will do whatever he wants whenever he wants to do it! Come and jump on the counter and meow at office guests? No problem! Go and lay down on the keyboard and exit (without saving) everything his fat behind sits on! Yuuup! Knocking everything over as he jumps from one counter to another to another! Yuuuuup! Do you see the picture here?
So what else has he done to annoy the office so much you ask? Why I will tell you! We can’t leave the front door open, at all! Anytime he sees a 6” gap opening in the front door he tries to run out to the front and eat wild grass! This is California you know! Even the evil cat DARTH KITTY wants his “medical issue grass”.  The odors that emanate from his litter box are just unholy! There’s no other way of putting it! You have never smelled such a cornucopia of odors!
Young  “Master” has vowed to defend the office from the evil Darth Kitty and tries to dissuade the evil Sith Lord from continuing  his oh so very annoying ways! However, Darth Kitty has sought many vengeful acts of revolt! He has deliberately gone and PEEED on one of the office couches! Have you ever smelled cat pee??? It’s not normal like human pee or doggie pee. Nope! This is industrial strength, cant breath without a military grade gas mask on, kind of smell.  It is pungent and incredibly overpowering! Yet the rebel office alliance, under the leadership of young “ Master”, still endures the constant annoying assaults of Darth Kitty.
Why not get rid of the cat you ask? Well it gets complicated. Darth Kitty has his own Evil Emperor Lord. Let’s call her “TCI Emperor”. “TCI Emperor” is the only entity, because even all the doggies are pissed off at the cat that truly enjoys his company. She can tolerate the annoying hair, the running outside, the stinky poopy, even the eye watering pissed off cat pee that’s on the couch. She is his protector, his lord. Like yoda said about the Sith, “Always two there are, no more, no less. A lord and an apprentice”

The Latest act of aggression from Darth Kitty was yesterday. As if it’s not bad enough that he has his cat hair all over the place, tries to escape anytime the door is opened, has toxic poop, pees on the couch and clothing as revenge, we have discovered a new weapon of the empire!

CLAWS! DARTH KITTY CAT CLAWS! Used ever so consistently to make holes in the black leather chairs in the front entrance to the building… Fucking Cat! He couldn’t have picked a more expensive scratch post? Maybe this is precursor of things to come. Like the Death Star under reconstruction! Is Darth Kitty Sharpening his claws, his weapons, in anticipation of future battles? What evil plan does the empire and DARTH Kitty have in store for the rebel office alliance?

Tune in to the next episode

EPISODE VI

OFFICE WARS III

 RETURN OF THE “MASTER”

Humming Stars wars theme: Nah Nah ,Nah Nah, Nah Nah .  Na Na Na Naaaaa Na. Na na na Naaaaaa na. Na Na Na Naaaaaaa na. na na na na…

The CIA & A Korean Hangover

It’s Monday once again and I’m sure you’re all SOOOOOO very anxious to find out what I did this weekend! What shenanigans did I get myself into? What adventures did I go on? Let’s see what did I do? Saturday I went on a very dangerous task at Costco to purchase some needed items. Just finding a parking space on the weekend at Costco is an adventure in itself. I won’tsay what was purchased because that’s not important, nor very interesting! What was important was that I taste as MANY free samples they give out as possible! It has become very difficult to navigate through the gaggle of shoppers lined up for freebies. It is even more difficult to disguise yourself, on the fly at Costco, so you can get more than one sample from the same sample stand! Needless to say, I am a wonder with hats and other clothing items they sell at Costco, the CIA would be impressed! All I need to bring with me is a fake mustache from now on! I think the sausage vendor is getting suspicious! Once I felt I had accomplished my mission, I returned to the office, and like the lazy bum that I am, had really nothing else to do. I grabbed my usual jug of ice and sat outside with my entourage of doggies. Master and I tried to get them all in one picture but somehow when he said “cheese” they thought it was a treat and would run to find “cheese”. I think we got 9 out of 10 in the picture not bad if I say so myself.  

Now dinner that’s where things get fun and interesting! Master suggested, in his infinite wisdom, to go to an all you can eat Korean BBQ! I’m not one to say no to a free dinner, so off we went! Have you ever been? If not, I’ll walk you through it! First, and oh so so so very important, you make sure to bring an appetite. Not a regular appetite, I’m talking about the industrial strength, haven’t eaten for days, last meal of your soon to end life kind of appetite. Once seated at your table, you are brought a bowl of soup and all sorts of side dishes called “banchan” in korean. This includes: kimchi (a traditional Korean dish, made of fermented vegetables with varied seasonings), Kongnamul (Cold boiled bean sprouts with sesame-oil), Japchae ( glass noodles accompanied with a variety of vegetables and beef in a slightly-sweet garlic sauce), Pickled seaweed (Self explanatory), Korean-style potato salad (made with apples and carrots). Along with all these side dishes they also give various salty, pungent, tangy, and spicy dipping sauces, a very crisp and lively salad, rice paper and a bowl of steamed rice. Oh let’s not forget the GINORMOSE plate full of raw meat! (do I hear angels singing Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh in the background?) The meat consists of paper thin slices of brisket-(my absolute favorite), Bulgogi-(Literally means “fire meat” thin slices of sirloin that is marinated with a mixture of soy sauce, sugar, sesame oil garlic and other ingredients), Gailbi-(generally refers to a variety of grilled dishes that is made of cross cut beef short ribs), Pork Belly-(Imagine a super thick super size piece of bacon). Once you get your meat, you cook it right there at the gas BBQ that’s built directly into your table!!! When you think that your meat supply or side dishes have diminished to dangerously low levels, you simply ring the bell and the waiter brings more of what you ask! What a perfect concept!  

 All you can eat Korean BBQ is not for the week of heart or for amateurs! It has taken me years of training to get to my current plate count. Needles to say we stuffed ourselves silly! Master and I could both sense the amazement within the wait staff when we kept ordering plate upon plate upon plate of meaty goodness! I wonder if we broke any internal record for the amount of meat eaten in one sitting by two people. I never understood why all the waiters humbly bowed in amzement and clapped vigorously as we left? Huh! Wait a minute! Maybe we did break some sort of record! Needless to say, I ate sooooo much meat that, on Sunday, I woke up with a Korean BBQ Meat hangover (it’s a real medical symptom! Look it up!) and could do nothing all day. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!!! 
An all you can eat Korean BBQ meal is a very fun and yummy experience that everyone should try at least once.   

Getting ready to eat.

Who Is This Man?

Ha Ha Ha ha….. I will be laughing all the way to the bakery with Master’s Credit Card.  Master enjoys reading post on MBWorld.org  a Mercedes-Benz Enthusiast Discussion Forum. Today while he was browsing thru the posts, I as always was nosely looking over his shoulder, I mentioned to him that I really liked one of the members signature picture.  

Me: That’s Tony Soprano, right, the actor whats his name

Master: James Gandolfini?

Me: yeah him

Master: You’re crazy, thats not him! Thats the guy from the movie Hit Men.

Me: No it’s not it’s the Sopranos guy!

Master: It’s the guy or one of the guys from Hit Men, this guy looks too thin to be James Gandolfini.

Me: Nope its the Tony Soprano actor

Master: You want to bet on it?

Me: Ok… what?

Master:  Whatever you want.

Me: Ok a pie!

Master: Get ready to lose.

So we both started searching online to find out who this person is. After about 15 mins online and a heated converstation as to who this man was.  We find out that I was RIGHT! Of course I was right I never doubted it!  ok maybe just for a minute…  I know we could have just IM’d the member and asked him but whats the fun in that?

Master when your done reading this please hand over your credit card…………

I’m off to get me some pie.

Stop Stealing Kisses!

Master & Tiki Tiki 7/15/2010

Anytime I have to leave, the office, and risk my life on the road. Master gets to babysit Tiki Tiki for me. Master keeps me posted via text how Tiki Tik is doing throughout the day, lately he has been using pictures to show me how well they are getting along. So while I’m out driving in a car so hot that I can feel my skin melting, Master and Tiki TIki are at the office documenting their new love.

Master and Tiki Tiki 7/7/2010

   

I think he is trying to steal Tiki Tiki’s love away from me.  I need to put an end to this! I know he is an adorable, irresistible, cute little guy, but come on Master already has Tinckle and Peanut (and don’t think I don’t know about Paprika) to carry and kiss all day. Now he has to steal Tiki Tiki too?

If it weren’t so HOT these days,  I’d take Tiki Tiki with me everywhere.  You just wait till it cools down. No more stealing kisses from me!

 

The Weekend

Did everyone have a great weekend?  I know I did! Saturday I had an unbelievably incredible, life altering, mind bending, melt in your mouth steak dinner, mmmmm, it was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo delicious that I forgot to take a picture of it to share here.  Needless to say it was a Masters creation. 

On Sunday afternoon SiSi and her friends decide to go to the movies, it turns out that I am cool enough to be invited, and since I played my cards right I also got to drive them there.  How cool am I? So off to the movie theater we go.  We watched “Grown Ups” a comedy with Adam Sandler, Kevin James, David Spade, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider and Salma Hayek.  I must say I ended up laughing out loud several times. Sisi even asked me to keep it down. Personally, I enjoyed it lots! Or maybe it was the tub of popcorn we ate that made me giddy? Hmmm??? No I’m pretty sure it was the movie that was making me laugh.

After the movie we drove around box hunting. It’s funny how when you need a box there aren’t any around, but when you don’t, they are piled high on the sidewalk.  Once the perfect sized box was located we then swung by the McDonalds drive thru to pick up a snack (wink wink). 

Tiki Tiki enjoying a cheesburger

Tiki Tiki didn’t mind at all of our choice of snack; he jumped right into it! Num num num… he stuffed his little face with a cheese burger and a couple of fries.  Made sure there weren’t any fries left in the container, double checked in the bag.

Once he was satisfied he fell into a food coma in my arms.

                  

Tiki Tiki making sure he didn't miss anything

Tiki Tiki inside med sized fry container from McDonalds